Sell My Soul
by Rica18
Summary: Everybody has secrets.
1. Dark Whispers

I can't believe I'm posting another story but with a little bit of encouragement from Lauren, here it is. A few things to say before we get started;

1. So imagine Season 3, near the end, we'll say 3.16. It all happened. But after that cut off all thoughts of Season 3. Lauren did indeed exist. This story takes place about one year after this timeline I suggested.

2. This prologue is very, very similar to the prologue of the book Tell No One by Harlan Coben. It is my favorite book and I wanted to share a little bit of it with the Alias world. If you haven't read it, get it and read it. It's fabulous. Other than the prologue there aren't going to be very many similarities.

3.Disclaimer. You know how this goes. Don't own it.

So I think that's it? I hope that's it. I can always add something else. Here it is. Hope you enjoy this and please review.

Erica

-

There should have been a dark whisper in the wind. Or maybe a deep chill in the bone. Something. Something only we could hear. In this life, misfortune is something I have come to know.

The drive was long. I slipped into an almost melancholic state as I instructed Michael which turns to take and the way to go. Recently our relationship seemed strained; I almost didn't want to talk to him. Our relationship had survived so much. I wondered if it could survive the truth. Or for that matter, the unspoken lies.

The tires bore down, kicking up dust like an Arabian stampede. I flipped off the car stereo and started to study his profile. The lake rose before us, the sun was setting, the sky was purple and orange. I looked at the woods as they passed by.

I loved this place. For summers, my father and I would come here to spend time. And before my mother had "died" we would go and spend time together like a normal family. After she was gone it wasn't the same but it still reminded me of the normalcy my life once had. We stopped by the small cottage.

When I stepped out of the car, I heard the ghosts. Swirling and battling for my attention. My mother's won out. Laura Bristow's ghost won out. I could see her lying on the deck sun bathing and then I saw her yelling as Dad took a cannonball off the dock. I blinked and the images were gone. My eyes welled with tears as Michael put his arms around me. Memories hurt. Even the good ones, they hurt most of all.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine, just remembering."

I led him down the path, to the lake. I sat on the dock and threw my legs over the side. Michael looked out and stared at the water.

"Do you think he would give this place to us?"

"Dad? Sure, as far as I know he never comes up here."

I was startled by the question, he had said give this place to "us", as if there was always going to be "us". He believed that nothing could push us apart. I knew something could push us apart. My guilt was already beginning to push us apart.

We sat in silence for a long time, only our rhythmic breathing was heard. I leaned against him.

"I love you."

"You're already getting laid."

"Oh."

"I love you , too."

"Okay, okay," he smiled at me, "you'll get laid too."

It was dark as we stripped down and climbed slowly into the lake. It was surprisingly warm. We swam with clean strokes, slicing through the water. Our sounds skittered across the lake's surface like skipping stones. I turned and he took me in his arms. I love the way his skin feels against mine. He held me close. We started to kiss and his hand wandered slowly down my back.

We must have been asleep for a few hours when Michael stirred.He climbed off the small raft and slipping into the water. I moaned and slid into the water, floating on my back. I looked up to see him gathering our clothes and walking away.

"Hey, come back with those."

He glanced at me with a mischievous grin and continued towards the car. I laughed and continued floating around. I made a decision, to tell him, tell him everything.

Then I heard a car door open.

I looked up and tried to adjust my eyes to the darkness.

"Vaughn?"

There was nothing, not even crickets, only my own breathing.

I looked for his silhouette and for a moment, I saw him. I might have blinked but when I looked again he was gone.

"Vaughn!"

My heart slammed into my throat and I began swimming towards the dock. My strokes were loud and sloppy. I couldn't hear anything, if anything, that was going on. I stopped.

"Vaughn!"

There was no sound. A dark cloud covered the moon and darkness enveloped me. Maybe, he was playing a joke. I opened my mouth to scream again when I heard him call out my name.

I started swimming faster towards the shore. I was so far away now. I tried to look as I swam but it was too dark. I heard a scraping noise like something was being dragged. I could see the dock perfectly now, I found the ladder and hoisted myself up. I climbed out of the water and shivered. I looked towards the car.

"Vaughn!"

Something hit me square in the back. My eyes bulged; I folded at the waist, no air, another blow lading on my skull. My legs buckled and I dropped to my knees. Totally disoriented, I put my hands against the sides of my head and tried to cover up. The next blow, the final blow, hit me square in the face.

I toppled backwards, back in the lake. My eyes closed. I heard Vaughn yell for me again. I screamed for him but the sound was gurgled away as I sank under the water.


	2. Grasshoppers

**One Year Later**

Sydney Bristow just wanted the crying to stop. She didn't think it was too much to ask. She was a good mother. She did everything she knew how to do. She didn't have anyone to help her. All she wanted to do was stop the crying.

She watched the liquid slosh around in the small glass. She spun it around mesmerized. She had lost count of how many drinks she had poured and drank through out the night. She knew for sure that after one more drink she wouldn't be able to hear the crying anymore.

The front door creaked open. She threw back the drink quickly. It burned as it traveled down her throat. She didn't care. She poured herself another one and waited.

Eric Weiss stood beside the table. She could feel his presence. It annoyed her to no end. She didn't need a babysitter.

"What?" She asked sarcastically. "Not what you expected?"

"Actually, it's exactly what I expected." He replied walking over to the table. This had become a very common sight for him since the baby had been born.

"I just needed to stop it." She stated calmly staring at her drink again.

"Needed what to stop?" He asked her confused. He was scared for her. She wouldn't survive like this for much longer.

"The crying." She replied trembling as tears started to fall from her own cheeks.

"I don't understand, Sydney."

She just shook her head letting the tears fall.

"I miss him too. I know that it's hard I know but you have to try and be strong. You have to be strong for your daughter."

She shook her head again. "Be quiet, you'll wake her. She'll start crying again. She wants her dad. I have to find him for her."

Weiss' eyes filled with tears as he watched the broken woman in front of him take another drink from her endless glass of vodka. He sat down at the small kitchen table. He pushed the bottle away when she reached for another drink. He grabbed her small hands in his.

"Sydney, you know the baby isn't here right? She hasn't been here for months."

Sydney jumped up from the table pushing it over violently.

"Where the hell is she then? Did you take her from me?"

"Sydney, your dad is taking care of her. Do you remember when he took her away? He took her away because you were doing this to yourself." He pointed to the smashed bottle of vodka forming a puddle on the wood floor. "If you stop, he'll bring her back, you can have your baby again."

"I don't want her. She cries too much." Sydney slurred crouching down picking up the pieces of the broken bottle. She sliced her finger on the jagged glass. She didn't even feel it.

"Do you think this is what he would want you to do? It's been a year Sydney. I know that you have faith that he's going to walk through that door and it will be like nothing happened but that's now what's going to happen."

"I'm not an idiot."

"Do you think he's still alive?" Weiss asked carefully. He knew she didn't like to talk about it. It's also like he needed her confidence because he had lost his.

"Of course I do, asshole." The words stung Weiss more than she imagined.

"I want to help you, if you'll let me."

"I don't need your help, Eric. I can handle this on my own."

"Handle what, Sydney? What are you going to do?"

"This is all my fault. I didn't think it would happen this way." Sydney slipped into what seemed like a trance. It happened a lot. She would just mumble the same phrases over and over.

Weiss knew nothing helped once she slipped into the comatose state. He just sat there until she seemed to slip into reality.

"Please tell me what you're talking about. I want to help. I need to help."

"I don't think you fucking understand. You can't help me. It's all my fault. I need to fix it myself."

"Then help me understand!" He grabbed her small form shaking her. When he stopped she fell into a pile onto the floor. She sobbed, he sat down gathering her into his arms. "I'm sorry, I just I can't lose you too Sydney, I just can't."

"Please leave."

"Sydney, don't push me away."

"Leave."

"Please, don't."

"LEAVE!"

Weiss stood letting her lay on the floor. He pulled the door open. He was scared again. She wasn't the same woman he knew. She was his only friend and she was keeping secrets from him, secrets that may have cost Michael Vaughn his life.

"If you're talking to my father, tell him I want my daughter back." She yelled as he walked out the door. He looked back once more to see her rummaging through the small cabinet. He wiped a tear from his cheek and slammed the door behind him.

-

Jack Bristow would have never called himself a father. He missed that chance when his own daughter needed him. He had handed her off to a professional. He couldn't deal with a child when he was meant to.

Although he wouldn't consider himself a father he was turning out to be a pretty good grandfather, at least he thought so.

He placed the baby girl in her crib. She wiggled around and he watched as she slowly slipped into a comfortable sleep. He smiled wide at her. She had that effect on him. Ever since she had come into his life, he was always smiling. The circumstances that he had his beautiful grandchild with him all the time were not very good.

His daughter was an alcoholic. He found it hard to admit. He blamed himself. He hadn't been a good father but he swore he wouldn't let his granddaughter be hurt.

Michael Vaughn had been missing one year, one year to the day. He almost brought her over to see Sydney today. She was probably drunk. There was in fact no doubt in his mind that she was drunk.

Sydney found out soon after Vaughn's disappearance that she was pregnant. She took it well, as well as could be expected. She took care of herself. She was sure that Vaughn would turn up.

After the birth of her child and no sightings or leads on Vaughn she seemed to slowly give up. Although Sydney had seemed like she was going to be a fabulous mother the façade soon ended.

Sydney had only been home with the baby for a few weeks. Jack had decided to drop by, just for a visit. The first thing he heard when he opened the car door was a baby wailing. He frantically rushed to the front door yanking it open.

Sydney sat at the table staring at a small glass of vodka. She was mumbling to herself. He didn't even care what she was saying.

"Sydney?" He asked. "The baby's crying."

She nodded her head slowly. "I know, I don't know how to get her to stop. I thought I would try this." She stopped for a minute looking up at him. "It's working."

He looked at her dumbfounded. She just stared back expressionless. He ran into the small nursery and pulled the crying baby from her crib.

"Sydney?" he asked when he came back out into the kitchen.

"It was all my fault, you know?" She asked him.

"What was your fault?" He asked gathering everything he needed throwing it into a bag he found hanging on the door.

"Vaughn being taken. It was my fault."

"Sydney, you couldn't have done anything to stop that. They almost killed you that night." He shifted the baby in his arms.

"That's not what I mean."

"Sydney, you can't act like this. You have a daughter you need to take care of."

"I have a daughter who needs her father and I'm going to find him for her."

Jack shook his head. Sydney poured herself another drink.

"Sydney, you can't do this to yourself. Please don't do this to yourself." He sat down at the table. The baby girl in his arms stared wide eyed at her mother. She slowly calmed down falling asleep in his arms. "Don't give up."

Sydney didn't even look up from her drink.

"I'm taking her, I'll be back tomorrow. We'll talk then."

-

Jack Bristow did go back to his daughter's apartment. He went back every night for a few weeks. Almost every night was the same thing. She was either fixed on the computer screen searching or she was sitting in the exact same place at her kitchen table drinking. The sight made him sick. He tried to talk to her. He tried to talk even a little bit of sense into her but it wasn't working. After all of his failed attempts he tried to get her to talk to somebody. She refused him again. He couldn't force her to get help. Soon she refused to let him into her apartment. She didn't even want to see her daughter. She was just a reminder of what she had done. Jack still didn't know what his daughter had done. He was going to find out and he was going to save his daughter.

-

Sydney grasped the toilet bowl heaving hard. She wiped her mouth with the small face cloth and splashed her face with cold water. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. She didn't even seem like the same woman. She had huge black circles under her eyes. Her cheeks were sullen and she was sickly pale. She saw this in herself, she wasn't living in some crazy delusion but she didn't care.

She pulled the chair out from the desk and sat down turning on the laptop. She sighed as the computer sprang to life. The bright screen burned her eyes. She sifted through her e-mails. She hadn't gotten any leads on Vaughn in so long. She wouldn't give up hope. She knew she could find him. How couldn't she find him?

That's when she saw the e-mail. A smile grew on her face. It cracked her features. She hadn't smiled in months. She clicked the e-mail hoping it would open instantly. She sat holding her breath.

The e-mail was from an untraceable server but she knew it was him. The e-mail was simple.

_This grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says…_

"You have a drink named Doug?" she said and smiled.

_Well, I was going to use Phil._

And that was it, a simple joke. A corny joke, a terrible joke but Sydney laughed out loud. The name Phil was a link. She clicked on it and waited.

The window loaded slowly. Sydney knew what it was. It was a traffic cam. The picture was terrible, grainy and black and white. She didn't understand why but she stared at the screen. She stared for a few minutes. The cursor floated the exit button when she saw him. His hair was longer, he was wearing glasses and a hat but she knew without even a second thought. He was staring right at her. There wasn't a doubt in her mind. That man on the screen was Michael Vaughn and she was going to find him.


	3. Effigy

She stirred in her sleep, a thin layer of sweat covered her body, she clawed at the wall and thrashed on the tile floor.

She sees her face, her surprised and then serene look. She was understanding and calm. It frustrated her. It still frustrates her. She falls back and closes her eyes. It's so natural, why does it feel so natural?

Why was she so serene and calm? Why wasn't she disappointed?

She knew this was the real her all along.

Sydney woke up slowly letting her eyes adjust to the harsh light of the bathroom. She couldn't ignore this anymore. The phone rang and he made the decision for her. A familiar voice filled her head.

"Joey's Pizza."

-

A cold breeze whipped through the air. He pulled his jacket tighter around his body. Leaning against the cold steel he sunk to the ground putting his head in his hands. He heard a car but he didn't know if he could see her. He looked up slowly meeting her eyes. She looked like an effigy of her old self. She was a hollow shell, a disgrace to the Sydney Bristow he once knew.

She seemed to run towards him trying to catch him before he ran away. She tripped and landed on the hard concrete. She didn't even seem to notice. She stood quickly and stared at him. She regained her balance clumsily and stood beside him.

He looked at her, he stared. He tried to see something that he missed. Something that could have told him the truth. Something that revealed her betrayal.

"Sydney." He stated simply nodding his head.

"Vaughn…" She replied.

He didn't know where to begin. He didn't know what to say first. "Where is she?"

"She's with my dad."

"Did you just drop her off there? You should have brought her."

She shook her head in shame. "Sydney? Have you been drinking?" He asked his voice full of a strong disgust.

"I need to explain."

He didn't want her explanations. There was nothing that could justify years of lying and deceit. He couldn't be here, stand here with her.

He didn't trust himself. He could forgive so easily, he could forget everything pretend he never knew.

He didn't trust himself. He remembered every detail, all the gruesome details. He knew everything she had done. The cold steel felt heavy in his hand. He imagined how he would feel; he tried to gauge his reaction.

"I don't want to hear your voice, just listen. I want my daughter. I want her tomorrow morning. I'll be at the office, I'll be with Kendall. When you come in you're going to confess, you're going to tell them everything. I want to hear it from you." He let go of the gun and took his hands out of his pockets.

She shook her head.

"Vaughn, you have to let me explain. It's still me I never changed"

"I don't want your explanations.I just spent the last year of my life finding out whom you are, this new Sydney Bristow you've fabricated. You aren't Sydney. I loved Sydney. I don't love you."

"Vaughn, it's me. It's always been me." She said quietly tears welling in her eyes.

He looked away unable to see her empty brown eyes again. "That's all I want."

He slipped away walking slowly down the alley. She sat down where he had left rocking back and forth. She pulled her knees up to her chest. She didn't cry, she knew that he was right. She needed to confess her sins.

-

Sydney hadn't been into the CIA for the past 3 months. She had continued her work until her baby was born. That was when she fell apart. It was when she should have been the strongest.

She tried to stride into the office with the strength and confidence she once had. She didn't know if she would ever have that again. In fact, she knew she would never have it again.

She came in late. She didn't figure it would matter what time she showed up. She didn't even know if he would be there when she got there. She didn't know if she would see him again.

And she hated herself because this was her last day as a free woman and she had no one to say goodbye to.

-

Jack clutched the infant to his chest. He felt odd as the tiny girl squirmed in his arms.

"Shhh…" He whispered quietly as she cried.

His co workers stared as he walked through the office. He pushed the glass door opened and there he was.

Michael Vaughn stood wide eyed and Jack stared at him the exact same way. Jack finally understood the hurried message that he found on his machine this morning from Sydney.

He let go of her easily and slid her into her father's arms. She fussed for a minute looking confused at the odd surroundings. She calmed down quickly as if she knew that she was finally him. She fell asleep quickly in his arms.

"Take good care of her." Jack stated stroking the baby's cheek gently. He didn't even ask where Vaughn had been, what had happened because he didn't care. He just wanted the best for his grand daughter.

-

Sydney had walked around the block more times than she could count. She didn't know what to do. This would change everything. Everyone would be in danger. Her father, her daughter, Vaughn, everyone might die and if they did she would have only herself to blame.

-

Vaughn had obviously told them she was coming. They had a room ready when she came through the glass doors. They ushered in her discreetly hoping that nobody noticed. She stared at the mirror knowing they were behind it. Everyone she cared about stood behind the mirror. They were judging her, guessing what she was about to say.

"Please state your name for the record." The man said as she tried to get comfortable under the invisible scrutinizing eye.

"Sydney Bristow."

The man sat back and waved his hand indicating whenever she was ready.

She took a few deep breaths.

"For the past four years I have been working for a known terrorist organization."

The man just stared, his expression didn't change. He waved his hand again signalling her to continue.

"I've been working for the Covenant."


	4. Becoming Julia Thorne

So here I am again, it's been too long. I have been a little busy over the past like month or however long it's been. If anyone cares I'm in university now so it's been a big adjustment for me but it's been so amazing. I've just been really busy leaving very little time for anything creative, which I really need. That's that, so I use my random spare time to write and it's usually been late at night. But I finally got another chapter of this story that I love writing. I've never liked writing a story and thinking of a story like I do this one. I hope it shows.

Also, I read through these chapters a lot but I guess I know what's going to happen next so more of the stuff makes sense to me when it might not to you guys who are reading. So to get to the point, I definitely need a beta because even though you guys may think it's a little crazy now it's going to get more confusing. It would really help if anyone that is reading this wants to be my beta well that would be fantastic. )

Thanks for sticking with my guys, I promise it won't be another like 2 months before you get a new chapter!

**If you didn't read this pointless note this is when you should turn in to avoid more confusion, everything in italics is actually the stuff that is happening now because well I need lots of flashback to explain this craziness.**

Erica

"_The beginning is always the place, Ms. Bristow and you better start talking soon."_

"_Four years ago, I was taken, abducted by the Covenant…"_

The smoke still burned her nostrils and filled her lungs. She could still feel the gun in her hand. When she closed her eyes she could see Will's lifeless body.

She pulled herself farther into the corner hoping it would swallow her whole. She blinked away her tears and she swore she saw him. She caught his eyes from across the cell, she could hear him laughing, and she could hear him whisper a soft "I love you" over the deafening silence.

She would give anything to have him back again, just to see him one last time, she would sell her soul just to see him smile, to be the reason he smiled again.

She shook her head and knew that it was pointless to fight, no one was coming. She stared at the lines drawn in the dirt, they were accumulating fast. She had been here one month. They would have been here, they should have been here. Why hadn't they saved her? Why was she still living in this hell?

She heard the footsteps and a small hope ignited in her, like it always did. It's them, they're finally here. She stood up quickly and rushed to the steel door peering out from the small barred window.

"Vaughn! I'm down here, VAUGHN!" She yelled banging hard on the door.

She kept pounding on the door until the footsteps finally stopped in front of her. She backed away slowly letting her fists fall to her sides. Blood dripped from her knuckles on the dirt ground beneath her.

Oleg pushed the door open softly.

"Julia?" he asked. "Are you ready for another day, Julia?"

Sydney lunged at him with all her strength; her fist collided with his face causing him to stumble backwards. The few guards rushed in quickly pinning Sydney to the wall. She struggled as Oleg recovered quickly, he rushed forward and Sydney cringed expecting him to beat her like he usually did but instead he stopped his face inches in front of her.

"Sydney, it's not worth it. Fighting this, you can't fight it forever. They aren't coming. They're never coming. Make it easier on both of us." He pleaded.

Sydney grinned smugly at him. "Am I a difficult case?" She whispered.

He pulled the vial and syringe out of his stiff white lab coat. "You leave me no choice."

She shook her head violently, banging it against the hard cement walls. "Please… I didn't… I'm done…" She pleaded as she watched him fill the needle.

She looked from his face to the guards' faces. She couldn't do this anymore. No one was coming, she was done, and she had nothing left.

She had nothing to live for.

"I'm done fighting…" She whispered. "I'm done fighting."

He smiled maliciously tapping on her arm then flicking the needle. She tried to pull away, back further into the wall, she tried to get out of their firm grasp. He slid the needle in swiftly. They let her fall to the floor, the strong drugs coursed through her veins leaving her barely conscious as she collapsed onto the dirt ground.

"We're making great progress." Oleg stated and let the steel door slam closed behind him.

-

_I don't want you to know what they did to me. I can't tell you what they did to me. I don't want you to think I was vulnerable and hopeless. I don't want anyone to know…_

"You are Julia Thorne…" he whispered quietly into her ear countless times. He knew it was working, his techniques were seeping through her veins, and haunted her every thought.

She nodded slowly allowing herself to take in everything, every image, every word he said. She wanted to become Julia Thorne. She needed to become Julia. She needed to become Julia because there was nothing left of Sydney. There was no hope to cling on to, Sydney Bristow was dead.

The sooner she realized that, the easier it would be.

The sooner she realized that, the easier it would be.

The sooner she realized that, the easier it would be.

-

"_I let it work. I tried to let it work but there was something that wouldn't let me give up. I decided to treat it like any other alias, I thought that if they believed I was Julia I could escape. I could come home and it would all be alright. I knew I was naïve to think that but each day in that hell, I lost myself. I honestly thought it was the perfect plan but then I got in too deep; I became her. I tried to convince myself everyday that Sydney didn't exist. My plan failed, it back fired because after the first kill you never go back…"_

Julia Thorne strode into the room with a confidence that Sydney Bristow couldn't have even imagined. She stood in front of the panel as if she were being judged.

They pulled the man in roughly and the first thing she noticed was his eyes. They pleaded with her as if he knew his fate. He knew he wasn't going to leave this room. She stared at him her face expressionless. She had no empathy; Julia Thorne didn't care about her victim. She knew her job and that's all she knew.

She didn't hear the command but walked forward on cue and took the knife from the table with a grace that wasn't expected. She stared at the man with his pleading eyes and pushed the blade through his chest. She watched him as his eyes closed and his body slumped. She slid the blade out swiftly and placed it on the table.

Julia Thorne strode out of the room with a new confidence that Sydney Bristow couldn't have imagined. She knew now more than she ever did that there was no turning back.

-

"_You killed a man, a defenseless man, a man whom you didn't know? You don't know, he could have been innocent, he could have been CIA."_

"_Julia Thorne killed that man."_

"_You were Julia Thorne."_

"_That's right, I was. That was the past. Sydney Bristow didn't kill him, Sydney wouldn't kill anyone unless she had a reason."_

"_It's the same person."_

"_Not to me."_

"_Are you implying you have a split personality? Some kind of alter ego?"_

"_It was an alias. Have you ever had a conversation with a person that's been in deep cover, a long term alias, it's as if they take on all the characteristics of the person they're masquerading as. It was no different with Julia. I just let the personality take over me early. I let it consume me because that was the only thing that could save me."_

"_So you became Julia…"_

"_I did."_

-

She paced around the cell, fidgeting with the sleeves of her shirt and playing with her hair.

Her body was giving into the mild sedatives running through her veins. She stopped talking to the interrogator; she didn't want to talk about Julia anymore. She could only reveal so much at once. It was overwhelming to recount all the lies; she hadn't realized her own betrayal. She slid to the floor wrapping her arms around herself rocking gently.

He had asked the guard to let him slip in quietly. He stood in the corner watching her through the glass barrier. He hated himself for thinking she was still beautiful, wanting to kiss her just one last time.

"You didn't even name her. What did our daughter mean to you? Tell me Sydney, what did she mean to you?" He whispered.

"She just reminded me of you."

"We're not the important ones any more Sydney, she is, she is the most important thing in the world. She should be."

"I didn't want her without you."

He shook his head in disbelief. "You didn't even love your own daughter. You were too wrapped up in your own guilt to even care."

She stood from her spot on the ground rushing to the glass. "Don't you dare say that. She's my daughter of course I love her. I loved her more than I wanted to. I didn't know what to do without you."

"Do you know what they did to me when they took me? They didn't do anything, it wasn't some type of terrible torture that made me break and tell them what they wanted to hear."

He stopped for a minute but she didn't respond. She didn't respond because she knew what he was going to say.

"Sark told me everything. He told me everything you did, everything you said, he told me how good you were in bed, and he told me who you killed." He spat.

"They let me go, they thought I was broken. I think they thought you were betraying them. I didn't help and they let me go. For six months I tried to find anything that would prove what they said was wrong. The deeper I dug the more I discovered, the more I discovered about this person you created. This new woman you created because no matter what you think you will never be Sydney Bristow again."

"I was a good actor though." She sneered. "You didn't see the difference. You didn't think I was different. I changed Vaughn you're right. I loved you more when I came back than when I left but you didn't love me back."

"I never stopped loving you and I hate myself for it."

He started to walk away and turned around quickly.

"I don't want to ask this question but with everything I've learned I feel like I should. Is she mine? Is Emma mine?"

Emma? She thought to herself. It's perfect. She's perfect. He's perfect. She yearned for the glass to shatter and she could leave with him and have the happy home she deserved.

She shook her head. "You really don't understand do you? I came back for you Vaughn. All those things I did, everything I faked and lied about it was all to get back to you. This was real, you and me, it was always real."

He turned walking slowly away from her when he heard the sobs.

"Please… Vaughn, please don't leave." She sobbed sliding down behind the glass panes. "Don't leave me here alone. If you stay you'll understand, you'll understand everything."

"I don't want to understand everything or deal with everything. I can't deal with this, this is that something that I can't deal with. This is something I can't understand. So many things I've learned about you have pushed me further away."

Her body shook with sobs as he continued. He didn't turn around, he didn't look at her again as he finished.

"I never want to see you again and this time I mean it. You need to understand that we'll never be together, we'll never love each other again because I could never love a woman that killed her own mother."


	5. She Devil

A/N: I feel a little bit repetitive with the constant apologies. It doesn't change the fact I'm going to say sorry it takes me so long to update. I'm going to really try and update at a regular interval because you know I want to and I want you guys to actually be able to read this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Lyrics from She Devil and Motherland by Natalie Merchant.

**Chapter 5 – She Devil**

She sat in the middle of the cell staring at her surroundings, she wouldn't allow herself to become comfortable in the cell; she couldn't accept this fate.

She stared at her hands now, the blood never went away; the blood of the people she killed would never fade. She wouldn't let it fade.

She didn't even acknowledge the guards as they came in and shoved her to the same room. The room made her feel uncomfortable, she said inappropriate things to the guards as they cuffed her to the chair. She still let Julia out sometimes. Julia never got to have fun anymore.

A new man came in today, she loved that it was impersonal. She didn't want to know the man that sat across from her at the table, judging her as her betrayal slipped from her lips.

"You're new," she smiled at him.

"No, Miss Bristow. We've just never had the chance to work together. I'd heard of you, I'd hoped I would have the pleasure of working with you someday of, meeting you, but I never thought it would be like this."

Judged, she thought. "Well I'm sorry that it had to be like this."

"Me too." He leaned back in the chair, and got comfortable to insinuate that this was going to be a long day. "Sydney, I'd just like you to start where you left off last night. You had just begun somewhat of an initiation process into the Covenant. Take your time, don't leave anything out, we've got all day."

She tried to get comfortable by struggling in the restraints, and smiled smugly. "The Covenant accepted Julia, they started sending her out on missions. At first they were pointless – it was almost as if they were still trying to prove to them it was true, that Sydney Bristow had been broken. It took another month before they let Julia do anything important. After a month of those pointless missions they finally introduced Julia to Simon Walker…"

_she's better than a work of fiction  
half ingénue, half a vixen  
your little paper doll  
but brother she's a wicked sister  
subtle and sly, watch it mister  
and take my advice, stay away  
or number your days_

Sydney Bristow wasn't going out tonight, she wasn't going to try and save the world again, or even try and save herself. She was going to curl up in a ball inside of her mind and pray, pray that this plan would work because every day she lost herself, and she didn't know how much she could get back.

Tonight was another night for Julia, every night was for Julia.

Sydney hated night clubs. She would go out with her friends but she never craved it - another drink, another song blaring, and another body behind her. Julia needed the night life, it was all that kept her going, and it was the only time she got to have her fun.

When she walked into the room everyone turned their heads, she walked with a confidence and grace that no one else could get away with.

She walked up to the man by the bar, laughing at his corny jokes, smiling and listening to his stories, as he bought her drink after drink. She never cared, she never thought the jokes were funny, she just pressed herself closer to him and that seemed enough. She was never going to care.

She gave into the alcohol quickly, losing any inhibitions early in the night. She never remembered faces or names; she remembered lips and inappropriate moves. She would remember slapping one man the next day but she wouldn't remember who it was, she would know the handsome man's number who had slipped it in her palm but she wouldn't remember what he looked like, she would try but she played at night.

He watched her from across the room taking another shot of rum. He was mesmerized since he had come in. He was shocked at her disregard of her job, she had been sent here to meet him. They were supposed to talk serious business; she didn't seem the kind of woman you talked serious business with.

He heard she was the best at everything. Julia Thorne had no conscience. She was heartless and cold, the aspect you search for in an assassin not what you search for in a girlfriend. He wondered why he would be thinking about her as a girlfriend but to him every woman was a prospect, she was just a very good prospect. He hadn't even had a word with her yet and he was planning to have a relationship with her, maybe it was inevitable.

He pushed his way into the sweaty crowd minutes later. It was the rare moment that she danced by herself in the middle of the crowd. He stared for a minute; she seemed dazed, lost in the music. He was dazed, lost in her.

She looked up and saw him. She knew who he was instantly; she winked at him, making her way over to him. She smiled biting her lip. "I kind of got caught up, sorry if you were waiting."

She could tell he was surprised she even remembered. She knew she reeked of alcohol and her stumbling wasn't convincing him of her abilities but she knew who he was. "I'm really sorry, Simon." She stood on her tiptoes and whispered in her ear.

"Don't worry-" was all he got out before she pulled him into a rough kiss.

-

"Sydney, before you continue I just wanted to ask a few questions. Your father mentioned your recent problem with alcoholism. He wondered himself where it would have originated from, do you think Julia's obvious problems with alcohol had anything to do with it?" The man leaned back folding his hands in front of him.

"You know, it doesn't surprise me that my father would mention that. He was such a great dad. Next time you see him, why don't you ask him how he dealt with my mother's death? Ask him how he dealt with his overwhelming guilt, the grief he just couldn't over come without his scotch. Just bring it up and you might see where I get my problem with alcohol. You'll find out it has nothing to do with Julia."

The man put his hands up as if he was sorry he had even asked. "After you met with Simon, what was your first mission?"

"You don't really have to ask that question do you?" She sneered. "You know the answer."

"I want to hear it from you Sydney. What was your first mission with Simon Walker?"

"Irina Derevko was a part of the Covenant, a major player. She was someone who had all the information regarding Rambaldi they needed. She was a client of Simon's, she needed someone killed and she hired Simon."

-

It had only been a few weeks since she had first met Simon. Julia didn't trust anyone easily; very rarely did she trust anyone but herself. Simon was different, she felt at ease with him. He made her feel normal in her skin.

It had only been a few weeks since he had first met Julia. Simon liked to keep his relationships professional with a little fun here and there. Julia was different. He felt at ease with her.

The relationship wasn't just business, there was something there that both of them felt but neither of them knew how to deal with.

He lay awake beside her staring as she slept peacefully. He reached over to brush away a stray hair when he saw the small smile playing on her lips.

She opened her eyes lazily. "It's not time to go yet is it?"

"Just about." He pulled her into his arms kissing his forehead. "I'm going to miss this; waking up with you with no work or anything to worry about."

She sighed. "Me too." She gave him a quick kiss. "But our work is never done."

-

"You were involved with Walker then? You had a relationship?"

"Julia did."

"Sydney, I don't understand your logic. You always seemed like such a level headed woman but you did this. You created this character, you made this woman out of the facts they fed you. Now you have yourself convinced that you're not the same person."

"I am not Julia Thorne. She was just another alias."

"Well part of you is according to your story. You could become Julia whenever you want. You would do whatever you needed to, to keep your cover. You can just bottle up everything that makes you who you are. Your morals, your beliefs, your knowledge you could just bottle it up to save yourself. This doesn't make any sense. If you needed to get away from your life you could have done it in another way."

"Get away from my life? Is that honestly what you think I was doing? My life was already gone. To everyone in the world, Sydney Bristow was dead. The only way I could get out was to do this, how can you not understand my desperation?"

"Of course I understand your desperation. What I don't understand is how you could kill a man, go as far as to kill your own mother, deceive everyone you love and for what Sydney? Double cross the CIA and work for the Covenant? What did you do it for? How did you survive with that guilt and still tell your story? You must be a stronger person than me."

_What makes me envy your life? _

_Faceless, nameless, innocent, blameless and free_

_What's that like to be?_

"What do you want me to say?" Tears started welling in her eyes. "I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what you want me to say."

"What do you want to say?"

"I was hanging by a string, I would have died. I wish I had of made the choice and just let them kill me. They would have given up on the brainwashing and just killed me. It would have been the kind of torture you can't even imagine but living with this, living is the worst torture. No one can ever understand. I live with this guilt and now this fear. The fear that everyone I love, everyone I care about is going to die because of the choice I made."

"Your choice to turn yourself in?"

"The Covenant is going to know. I always stayed in contact. When I don't call them, they'll know. They're going to find him first; they're going to find Vaughn and Emma. They're going to die and it's all my fault." She sobbed, she didn't care what they thought of her. She let the tears stream down her cheeks. "Please, don't let them die."

The man stood up from the table slowly leaving Sydney by herself. Her whole body shook with sobs, she didn't know how long it had been when the same guards came in and released her from the same restraints. They weren't scared this time. She collapsed in their arms, her body ached as they dragged her down the hallway and placed her in the cell.

She fell to her knees in the middle of the cell curling into the fetal position. She shivered and shook. She didn't know who she was anymore. She lost herself long ago and she hadn't even realized it.

-

He didn't know how to react to any of the news he had heard. He didn't know what to do, he would never know the right thing to do but at this moment it felt right. He had never been a good father; he would have never claimed he was a good father.

He almost pushed the guard out of the way as he led him through the long barred hallway.

She didn't even flinch or move when the loud noise rang out in the cell. He could only hear her cries.

He pushed the cell door open and the guard disappeared. Jack stood for a minute staring at his daughter, the daughter he never imagined would be sobbing on the floor where she was being held as a prisoner.

She looked up at him with blood shot eyes. "Dad…"

He didn't know what to believe from her story; he knew there had be explanations, the explanations only he would understand.

He sat on the hard bed and pulled her up beside him. She almost collapsed throwing her arms around his neck. "Don't leave me, Dad. Please don't let them kill you."

"I promise, Sydney. They won't, I won't let them get Emma either."

"I never thought I would see you again. I didn't think you would ever want to see me again."

"You'll always be my daughter." He smiled rubbing her back trying to soothe her.

"I need to tell you something." She looked up at him and he nodded urging her to tell him what he needed to hear.

"I went early to meet her, Simon was held up somewhere, he was coming in a few days. She didn't acknowledge me as Sydney, she knew what was going on.

"She knew that they had you?"

"She knew, she knew about everything. She tried to get me to leave one night, she tried but I couldn't. She had plane tickets, enough money, a new identity, but that's not what I wanted. She tried to convince Julia that Simon was just using her, the Covenant was just using her, but Julia couldn't be convinced. I wanted to come home. I just wanted to get home. I never let her know that it was still me, even she was convinced. I didn't know if I could trust her so she thought I was Julia, just like everyone else thought I was Julia."

"The next day she gave me pictures, pictures of CIA agents that knew more than they should about the Covenant, agents she felt would compromise the Covenant's end game. There were pictures…there were pictures of you."

"I didn't know what to do. I just reacted, I pulled out my gun. She didn't even see me do it. I don't even remember pulling the trigger."

"I tried to stop the bleeding after I did it. I just wanted to go back and act differently. I can't blame this on Julia."

"STOP!" Jack yelled pushing Sydney out of his arms. "Don't act like Julia's another woman, she's just some sort of façade. Don't act like you didn't shoot your mother or kill that man. You made those decisions. You made all of those decisions whether Julia was just a face you put on or not. It was always you."

"The hardest thing is knowing that. The hardest thing is knowing that it was me." Sydney shook her head.

"Sydney we can get you help. I'll get you all the help you need; you can come back from this," Jack explained, he didn't want his daughter to live the rest of her life the way she was now.

"You still don't understand. I tried to stop the bleeding. She was my mother, she deserved more than that."

"She didn't deserve more than that, Sydney. I would have killed Irina Derevko for a lot less. She was never your mother." He reasoned trying to calm Sydney down. She wasn't listening she just shook her head.

"You still don't understand." Sydney started trying to explain herself.

"I do, to save your life; I would have killed her, just like you did. I wouldn't have given her the chance."

"Irina Derevko was another test for Julia. The Covenant had fed her false leads and information which led her to believe that the CIA was becoming very aware of the Covenant's operation. She thought you had double crossed her." She stared at her hands, staring at the blood that never faded. "This was the real proof for the Covenant that they had broken me, no woman would kill her mother the way I did that day. They had found out that you and mom had been collaborating to try and find me, they needed to get her out of the way and they thought it would be the perfect way to end my initiation process, kill Irina Derevko and prove to themselves that Sydney Bristow was finally gone. It was their perfect plan."

"Sydney-" he started.

She cut him off her voice trembling. "I'll never be the same, you can't come back from that. You should probably go, Dad. Please don't come back, don't waste your time on me."

He had a plan, to save her. He hoped she wasn't too far gone, he hoped. He leaned over kissing her gently on the forehead and whispered in her ear.

"You'll always be my daughter."

_Cradle me_

_Close my eyes _

_Lullaby me to sleep_

_Keep me safe_

_Lie with me_

_Stay beside me_

_Don't go_

_Don't go _


End file.
